How to Avoid Those Feelings of Inadequacy and Disconnection
Posted: Tuesday, March 08, 2011
by Craig Harper
craigharper.com
Pack Creatures
On some level, we’re all seeking approval, permission, acceptance, connection and love. It’s what we do. Sometimes, that seeking is apparent (to others) and sometimes, it’s well hidden. Wanting to belong is how we humans work. It’s wired into our DNA. For a range of reasons (emotional, sociological, psychological, physical and practical), we function best in groups. Like wolves, we’re pack creatures. Even if it’s a ‘pack’ of two. We want to be wanted. We need to be needed. We want to be important to someone. Something. To be valued.
Indispensible, even.
What’s the Point?
After all, if we’re not needed, wanted, valued or loved, then what is there for us? Why are we here? What’s our purpose? How can we be relevant? How can we find fulfillment, connection and happiness if we’re an irrelevant, unnecessary, invisible pimple on the arse of humanity?
These are questions that have and will be asked forever.
I guess, for many people, that’s where the spiritual connection to a higher power comes in. “I’ll never be alone or unloved because I will always have (insert preferred deity) by my side.”
A Smokescreen
Of course, some people will suggest that they don’t want or need anyone or anything but for most people in most situations that kind of talk tends to be something of a smokescreen and a defence mechanism. Even the tough guys with the tatts on their necks, the criminal records and the ‘F you and F the world’ attitude, still want to belong. I’ve spoken in a few prisons and I can tell you that, even in the big house, people want connection, approval, acceptance and love.
Of course they do.
It’s my experience that the more vocal a person is about not wanting or needing anyone in their life, the less likely that is to be true.
And while this desire to be part of something bigger than us is normal, understandable and innately human, it does present a few challenges from time to time. Like, what do we do when we find ourselves alone? Disconnected? Either, literally or metaphorically? And what about when we find ourselves in the middle of a group of people (family, work, social, church, others) only to feel isolated, disconnected and irrelevant?
I’m Shit, My Life is Shit
Our humanity brings with it something of a dichotomy in that our logical mind and our not-logical-at-all emotions are rarely on the same page. For many of us, there’s an ongoing internal battle because what we know (intellectually) and what we feel (emotionally) are often at opposite ends of the spectrum. That is, they don’t align. “If I’ve got so much talent and potential then how come I feel like such a loser?”
While we have an intellectual understanding of certain things (“I’m healthy, I have much to be thankful for, I have people who care for me, I have untapped potential, the world is not falling apart”) that knowledge and understanding is not always reflected in our feelings (“I’m shit, my life is shit”).
And Me?
Like (most of) you, I’ve had my fair-share of “I’m not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, lean enough or talented enough” moments. Even now – at the ripe old age of forty-seven thirty-ish and being a relatively successful and accomplished bloke – I still regularly feel inadequate, disconnected and fraudulent.
Note that I said feel , not think.
As a professional speaker, I often stand in front of groups and, although I know intellectually that I can do what’s required in that situation, I still feel like I don’t quite fit in. Like I’m the dumbest person in the room. Not all the time but sometimes. Yep, me. Even as a blogger, it took me years to totally ‘feel’ like what I have to share with the world is worth sharing. And, potentially valuable to others.
Fortunately for me, I’ve usually found a way to face my fears and my feelings of inadequacy head on. To do what was required, not what was comfortable or easy. For the most part, I’ve found a way to explore my limited ability, push my personal boundaries and develop the relevant skills while making some monumental f*ck-ups blunders along the way. As we humans do. The day I’m not prepared to look stupid, take a risk, be vulnerable or make a mistake is the day my own personal development comes to a standstill.
So, What to Do?
I’m of the opinion that we’re all disconnected, isolated, irrelevant and weird at some stage. In our own minds, anyway. The feeling of “nobody gets me or knows me” is almost universal and unavoidable. I think the challenge for us weirdos is not to avoid those feelings of inadequacy and disconnection but rather to create our best life, to explore our potential, to take chances, to make courageous decisions, to face our fears and to find happiness despite them.
I believe in you.
You weirdo.
Craig Harper is one of Australia's leading self help authors.
Self Help Books - Craig Harper
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